Two Years On

"But you chose to come. Couldn't let be - not in you to let go." - Ulysses

         It's been two long years since I posted here. It's nice to pretend sometimes that people read your work and enjoy it, but reality hit me hard in the last two years. Since my last post, Robelle broke up with me four months later, on my birthday no less. Then after various flings that never went into fruition, I've decided to buckle down and just wait. What am I waiting for? Nothing in particular. Just trying to pass the time and make certain people smile along the way. Everyone is too much work, but I wouldn't say no if given an opportunity. 

           I maintain a steadfast and fervid belief that things will go great in the future and at the moment I just have to keep at it to get anywhere in life. In the shadow of every valley, there is a road that leads to where the sun shines the brightest. Sure sometimes people think giving up seems to be the smart option, but in reality, giving up is the easy option. So many people never get to see how things work out because they give up when something seems too big for them. 

            When Robelle broke up with me I was sure it was the end of it all. The apex of my horrible experiences. However, I entered another fling, and then another, and then another, and I was so hopeful that one of those flings would work out, but sadly, none ever did. I'd really love to be more in depth and erudite about these experiences but I guess the best summation of my attitude towards my situation is that I'm a stoic. 

              Stoicism believes in focusing inwards towards your virtues and what good you see within instead of what you envy within others. It may sound selfish but it's a great deal better than pining for something someone else has. As a stoic I find it hard to be envious of others because I find a great deal of virtue within myself, which always leads to self-examination and as such, an exposition of one's flaws and thus begins an effort to correct it. I've always resolved to be the best individual for others and that my personal beliefs should not be my personality. Of course there are certain aspects of our experiences that we regret from happening, but we shouldn't expel it from our life and forget it. We should own it and use it as a reflective piece to compare how much we have grown and how much we have changed. Whatever you did that you regretted was a product of your decision as an individual. Of everything that exists, it is our mistakes that make us the most human and we should never ever take away our humanity from ourselves.

       

              The pursuit of one's happiness is a great struggle ironically imbued with sadness. But it is within this sadness and pain that we appreciate the joy and comfort that we experience. It is in the darkest moments of privation that we are grateful for bounty.

Reasons

"How lucky I am to have someone that makes saying goodbye so hard." - A.A. Milne

            People always ask me what I find in you, Robelle, so enthralling. What special trait, personality, or feature I found in you that won me, after a year of promising never to love someone again? What was it that broke Isaiah's stone walled heart? What was the thing that got him to open up again, to risk getting hurt, to risk reliving all the pain he endured a year ago? What did Robelle do, for Isaiah to make him try one more time, after he finally called it quits?

              I don't know how to express it properly in English, so I will say it in Tagalog. Napakaraming dahilan kung bakit minahal kita. Ngunit, hindi ko masabi ito ng isa-isa lamang. Dahil ang pinagsama-sama lamang nito ang dahilan kung bakit mahal kita. Hindi ito pwede isa-isahin kasi pwede itong gayahin ng kahit sino. Pero ang kabuuan ng mga dahilan kung bakit mahal kita, ikaw lamang ang nakakagawa noon. 

                There are a million reasons why I love you, what made me fall for you, and what made me take the risk. But I can't put it into words. But, the only thing that gives my efforts any meaning is when you tell me 'I love you too' when I tell you I love you.

                   And by God, no words can ever express how happy I feel going to sleep reading those words. How happy I wake up, that finally, the risk I took paid off. I proved to you that I wasn't a mistake, and you proved to me that you weren't a mistake. And I love you for that.

                   Robelle, from the deepest recesses of my soul, with my scarred, aching, weary, tired body, with all that I was, am, and will ever be, I love you.

Burden

"I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is when you say 'you too' when I tell you you're the best. And there are no words for that."

Each of us walks this world with weights

The weight of our past, the shackles of the present, and the chain of our future

I walk this world with a weight so heavy I can barely move

I walk the pace of an aged tortoise, all his strength devoted to carrying his shell

Then I met you, my heart just grew, my burden, though chained, felt so light

Robbie, you shone a light into my soul that I thought I would never ever see

These words are all I have, but they are as real as the sun that rises each day

As real as my love for you, this is the only way I can express it

You carry your own burdens too, heavier than mine or not, I do not know

I will never know, and I may never know. But in everything that I do not know

There is one thing I know for certain, because I know it's true.

When your burdens get too heavy to bear, get on my back, I will carry you

I won't give up on you, not today, not until the end of everything.

So don't give up on me, give up on us, give up on this.

We will make this work, and we will create beauty and passion

From the recesses of our burdens and sadness we will create

Our love will be the furnace that forges our happiness

We will fashion happiness out of the sadness of our past

I will instill in you the happiness you deserve and want

And you will instill in me the love I need and the joy I earned

When times seem so hard, and the world may seem against us

We will look them dead in the eye and charge forward

And they will all fall down at our feet, defeated

For nothing short of God himself can conquer us

Robelle, I'm never going to give up.

Why I Love You

"You just have to find the one worth suffering for."

I love you, Robbie

Not because you are perfect

But because you are incomplete

An unfinished masterpiece in this canvass we call life

I am not complete either

I am not finished too

We're both just pieces of us

Waiting for each other to complete us

So that's what I'll do

Everyday, my broken self will complete you

And your broken self will complete me

And at times when the pieces don't seem to fit

I'll hold your hand and say, "You're doing great"

Because after all, it's not completing each other that matters

But loving each other enough to want to try

Try and try even when it seems so hard

To accept each other for the faults we make

Robbie, I will always make mistakes, I know

But at the end of every mistake I make, just know

I still love you and I won't let go of you

I will build you and build you piece by piece until you're complete

And when you're complete, I will be complete

I love you.

Day One

"Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant but not said, most of love is lost." - Khalil Gibran

I love her.

I don't know if she loved me.

All I knew was that I was happy with her.

This was the first day without her. I couldn't hold on anymore. I cried when I woke up, I cried when I  drove to school. I cried in the library, in the hallway, in the drive home, as I wrote this. But between the tears and between the aching heart, lay a comforting idea. The idea that she will be happy. She will be happy. She will be happy. I repeat to myself. I mutter it in between sobs, between the tears. I cried not because she's gone, I cry because I couldn't hold on. I couldn't hold on because I was weak. 

I hope that my leaving will bring her a better life for the both of us, I hope that she finds what she's looking for, lest she comes back. I hope that I find what I'm looking for, lest I come back. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.

They say that in love you have to make sacrifices, and I made the ultimate sacrifice: letting go.

Depression/Depression

"I began learning long ago that the happiest people are those who do the most for others."
-Booker T. Washington

You are the light at the end of the darkness

The shining star at the end of my days

But when I follow the light, the tunnel grows deeper like an infinite abyss

The star I follow is a million light years at bay

The darkness grows grim

The boogeyman reaches out

I run away from him

He catches me no doubt

I crawl, reaching for the light

But the tunnel grows longer

Deeper and unfathomable as the night

My darkness grows stronger

Crawl, claw, grasp at the ground as the darkness drags

Backward, backward, into the abyss

My weary shoulders they sag

The darkness surrounds, everything's amiss

Then the light appears overhead

Like a lamp on a moonless night

It guides me, and where it goes, I head

But the darkness he traps me in plight

I'm sorry I didn't want to talk about my depression, it's because if I talk about it, it will lead into a discussion where I tell you how to cure it.

I told you that the cure for depression is the fulfillment of the desires of one's heart. You told me to get a gf, and I told you I can't because I am hopelessly madly deeply in love, and that is with you. You are a treatment to my depression, when you are around, my depression goes, but when you leave, it all comes flooding back. The permanent cure for my depression is for me to have you. You are the cure, you are the only thing needed to fix the broken soul that I am. The beaten, fazed, timid, and confused soul that I am. You are the light to end all darkness in me, you are the only way to a better future for me.

Immeasurable

"As if you were on fire from within, the moon lives in the lining of your skin." - Pablo Neruda

Heaven-sent and God-granted

She came into my life

I was a smoldering wreck of despair and hatred

Barren with strife

She came and changed it all

She raised me from the sunken depths

I felt I could stand tall

She looked at me with love and depth

I'm confused my mind is in a haze

What is this? What's going on?

In light of everything I am unfazed

My mind drones on and on

She makes me smile, she makes me laugh

She gives me love, she gives me hope

I feel strong I feel tough

With all my problems I can quote

Maybe perhaps infinity is not right

To even begin to measure how much I love you

No mountain can ever reach the height

Of how far I can go for you

Everything about you exudes elegance

The pallor of a Hellenic Goddess of Olympus

With you I feel like Hercules' and your guidance

You are my guide, you are my muse

Achilles cannot begin to compare

How immortal I feel when I'm with you

I could beat to death even Patroclus I dare

When they even think of hurting you

With love I embrace you tightly

With my white hot passion I cradle

My love should not be taken lightly

For you I do things I wasn't able

I want to be with you now and then

Every moment in your grace

To tell you I love you again and again

To feel nothing but your face