Everything I Never Got To Say To You

"All that I have loved, I loved alone." - Edgar Allan Poe

The first time I met you, I didn't know I would come to love you like I do now. It was a sunny morning, Humanities class. You sang "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys. I fell in love with your voice, but it was just your voice then. Then we had our own audition for the Humanities talent. Again, you went to class. I saw you look at me play guitar, and I didn't stop for you. But I didn't know that I loved you then. Then we had our MSE week's exhibit. You visited our booth. We gave you a ticket to vote for us. You came back, placed your head on my shoulder and apologized. I overlooked that. Then I got your number. I was in SteelAsia's conference room in Bulacan when Trisha texted that you text me, and you did. I still didn't know I loved you then, but I started having feelings. Then, judgment day came, and you didn't pass our class. I overlooked that. 

Second term came, I was starting to fall for you slowly but surely. I made sure I don't fall fast or I'd just end up getting hurt. I was in a bad place finding a jeep to go to the damn Che-Chm night, after cutting my algebra class to watch your theater production's play. I was only eager to watch it because you were there. You shared my review and texted me around the time I was scrambling to find a ride to Le Pavilion. I was having such a bad night, but your text alleviated it. Then came my birthday. It was the worst day of my life, I had nothing but 100 pesos in my pocket that I used up when I got home. I cried on the bus because it's my birthday and my mom wasn't there, and I left my t-square on the bus. But your text that said, "Happy Birthday Deo!!" Made me smile and forget my troubles that day. I knew then that I loved you. At one point, I was nervous, but I asked you out for dinner, and you said, "That would be great." I was so happy. You didn't know how happy that made me. I wasn't sure you'd take it the right way. Then around finals time, you asked for help with your finals in Humanities. It was raining, you were scared, I wasn't, because I was talking to you. I helped you pass the exam, you thanked me, and you went to sleep, telling me good night. I was so happy then that my fears disappeared. 

Then came Christmas when I started this blog. You said it had passion, but I was inspired by you to write these entries. Because I wanted to experience my love through words, because they were all I had. Then New Year came. You were so beautiful in your pictures. I was at a loss of words. You wore a violet shirt in your profile picture, you were playing with a gift ribbon. I just thought to myself, "How fitting. You ARE God's gift to me." Then we planned the dinner we were supposed to have. It was a befitting dinner because I was recently promoted to Colonel and I wanted to celebrate it with you, and only you. It was January 7th, 2015. I saved around 2500 and we were to eat at MOA and you told me so. You even joked that I might end up somewhere else. I was so happy and excited and everything just exploded inside me in joy that even my sadness jumped with joy. Then the night before, you messaged me. "Deo, Deo." Those words were the prelude to one of the saddest moments of my life. You cancelled our dinner, because you got the part for Heads or Tails. I didn't know how to react. My feelings were blank, I didn't know what to do. I was so proud of you still. I overlooked that. Then, I was struck with fever so strong that I was almost blacking out that if I slept, I would die in my slumber. I was sure I was going to die. But I made sure that before I die, I wanted to tell you how I truly felt, and how much I love you. I also made a confession entry here. If you haven't read it, here. I got better and you went silent for days. Until you told me that you were not able to reciprocate that level of love. The darkest days of my life began. I asked if we could still be friends, and you agreed. If you wanted to know what I told Asial Mae Mendoza about you, here. And you didn't talk to me after. I started writing my play, Breathe. I finished it, printed it, and brought it to the premiere of Heads or Tails, which I watched as well. I gave it to you. 

Then came the auditions for MIT Tekno Teatro. I didn't expect for acting to be my audition when I checked directing. I just wanted to be there to be with you. Because there was a void in my heart, I couldn't fill it alone. I tried moving on by befriending this Coco Fuse, but the way I feel with her couldn't compare to what I feel with you by a factor of infinity. You made me smile, you made my heart skip a beat just by seeing you, your big glasses and boycut. One time, I was going to my Chem Lab, I was thinking of you. Then I saw you, I said hi to you, but my heart skipped a beat, as in I really felt it. Then came the time I saw you rehearse for something. It was a Sunday. You were at the AV Room. You looked at me, expecting to say something. I ignored you. Why? As much as it was painful for me to ignore you, talking to you after everything and pretending everything was alright was the most painful thing I could ever feel. Then I apologized through DM, and you said it's better off we could be friends. To tell you the truth, it wasn't. But I tried. But my heart wouldn't budge. You were the only one that could fill its void.

Then the previous term started. I started seeing you around more often. I was trying to be friends with you. And it was working, but part of me knew this was nothing. You'd still not talk to me, my friends mocked me as "Commander WALL OF TEXT" because our chatbox was all me. Then you talked to me during my Chemistry make up class until 9. You made it bearable until you disappeared abruptly. Then I texted you during the end of forevermore. I was madly in love with you and I couldn't help myself to you. Then during the Finals, I did something I shouldn't have done. I was motivated by sadness and pain, I'm sorry for that. I really am. Then I pleaded and begged. My poor heart was clutching at strings. Then you replied the words you said. And that destroyed me. That destroyed me. I was never able to recover from that. Ever. 

Now it's 4 in the morning and tears are in my eyes as I write this. My heart is heavy, my eyebags sag from the weariness of my soul. But the weariness of my soul will never be my reason to stop believing and fighting for you. I love you, and I will do everything for you. 

Jean, if you're reading this, I want you to know that you're my favorite girl, favorite actress, and favorite architect. My heart can't stop beating for you, my brain can't stop thinking of you every night. Please don't go. Just give me a sign and I will believe. I am uncertain of many things in this world, but my love for you is not one of them. That may be the only thing I am certain of. I want to hold your hand. I want to hear your voice, I want to see your smile. It's the only thing that gives me any feeling at all. My love for you may not make any sense to you, but neither does reality. And the reason my love doesn't make sense is because it's real. Just give me one chance and I will not blow it. I'm sorry for blaming it all on you, I'm really sorry, I don't know. I'm an idiot, I never loved someone this much. Ever. I cried over you so many times because I am really afraid. The truth is I'm afraid. I'm afraid to lose you. Because if I ever did, that would be the end of me. Darkness will envelop my life like a cloud that will never leave. A night that will never see its dawn. Please talk to me again. I want to talk to you. Please.