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| "When did the future switch from being a promise to a threat?" - Chuck Palahniuk |
I'm afraid. Most of my sadness comes from fear. I'm afraid of what the future may bring for the both of us. I'm afraid of that because I don't know. I'm afraid that I don't know because I cannot plan for it. I can't plan my escape, I can't plan my denouement. This is not some play you do where you choose the end of the story, no questions asked. Where you can erase the bad endings and recreate it until it's perfect. I only have one shot at this and I don't want to blow it. That's why until I can keep fighting, I will, I don't want this to end. Not tonight. You tell me to be happy, but I am happy when I'm with you. I don't know of my life before I met you, because that past was dark and cruel, much like my life now.
But all of that will change. All of that will change. I took a risk on you. I went into this not knowing what might happen, not having an escape plan, not having a denoument. I went against my every instinct, deviating from my every past action. You want to know why? You want to know why I turned away from my comfort zone, from my own instincts there placed so to save me? Why I willingly delved into depression? Why I willingly waited 196 days? One hundred and ninety six days or Four thousand seven hundred and four hours? Do you want to know why I get up every morning despite being constantly pushed down every single day of my life? Do you want to know why I crawl when I cannot walk, and continuously struggle to fight?
Because I can't lose you. I just can't. I have never known anyone I can not lose to this degree. I lose it when I see you, and moreover I lose it when I don't. Are you even aware of how much you're worth to me? How much you mean, how much you impact my life and the things I do? Compare that to how I impact you, your life, and the things you do. It's kind of unfair right? It's so unfair that I am merely a dent in your life, whilst you were everything to me. I hope you know how it feels to be worthless in front of the very person that means everything to you. I hope that you can feel the despair and pain every time that person says, "I am not the one that can give you the love and happiness you think you deserve." I don't ever speak for a week and when my parent asks why, I can't even tell her why because she'd see me as a frail and weak person contrary to the image she put me up with. Do you know how it feels to hope and hope with great optimism, being called an idiot by your friends? Hah, what a wonderful life indeed.
Tell me what I have to do for you to give me a chance? I swore I would never give up on you, and I am not about to break that oath anytime, ever.
You want me to be happy? I will be happy. I will be happy thinking of you, I will be happy waiting for you, I will be happy. Because YOU make me happy, and that's all that matters to me now. My Knight's Cross to the Iron Cross 2nd Class is nothing compared to the greatest achievement that is you. And I am happy that I know you and I am happy that you know me.
But all of that will change. All of that will change. I took a risk on you. I went into this not knowing what might happen, not having an escape plan, not having a denoument. I went against my every instinct, deviating from my every past action. You want to know why? You want to know why I turned away from my comfort zone, from my own instincts there placed so to save me? Why I willingly delved into depression? Why I willingly waited 196 days? One hundred and ninety six days or Four thousand seven hundred and four hours? Do you want to know why I get up every morning despite being constantly pushed down every single day of my life? Do you want to know why I crawl when I cannot walk, and continuously struggle to fight?
Because I can't lose you. I just can't. I have never known anyone I can not lose to this degree. I lose it when I see you, and moreover I lose it when I don't. Are you even aware of how much you're worth to me? How much you mean, how much you impact my life and the things I do? Compare that to how I impact you, your life, and the things you do. It's kind of unfair right? It's so unfair that I am merely a dent in your life, whilst you were everything to me. I hope you know how it feels to be worthless in front of the very person that means everything to you. I hope that you can feel the despair and pain every time that person says, "I am not the one that can give you the love and happiness you think you deserve." I don't ever speak for a week and when my parent asks why, I can't even tell her why because she'd see me as a frail and weak person contrary to the image she put me up with. Do you know how it feels to hope and hope with great optimism, being called an idiot by your friends? Hah, what a wonderful life indeed.
Tell me what I have to do for you to give me a chance? I swore I would never give up on you, and I am not about to break that oath anytime, ever.
You want me to be happy? I will be happy. I will be happy thinking of you, I will be happy waiting for you, I will be happy. Because YOU make me happy, and that's all that matters to me now. My Knight's Cross to the Iron Cross 2nd Class is nothing compared to the greatest achievement that is you. And I am happy that I know you and I am happy that you know me.
"Remember this, you are only defeated when you are dead, or when you surrender." - Unknown German General, 1944
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